Film review – Elvis (2022)

Starring Austin Butler, Tom Hanks, David Wenham

Directed by Baz Luhrmann

By Roger Crow

You’ll have to excuse my upset demeanour. I’ve just spent a few hours at the Heartbreak Hotel watching an in-your-face biopic of a Guitar Man, and as much as it pains me to say it, Elvis, the 2022 movie, is a mess

Baz Luhrmann’s biopic of the King of Rock and Roll boasts a mostly terrific performance by Austin Butler as the eponymous music legend. There are times he looks just like Presley and others when he looks like either Shakin’ Stevens or 1991 era Vic Reeves.

Then there’s Tom Hanks as Colonel Tom Parker, a performance so annoying it’s hard to believe this is the same Tom Hanks who brought us decades of wonderful, affecting performances.

With his unusual Dutch (?) accent and bad prosthetics reminiscent of Austin Powers’ nemesis Goldmember, he ruins just about every scene he’s in, like some party crasher who wants to tell you nuggets of information every time there’s a danger of the film really getting going. 

Now as we all know, Baz is a genius. Another rewatching of breakout smash Strictly Ballroom confirmed that recently, as did the phenomenal take on Romeo and Juliet. But here it seems he wants to turn everything up to 111. The first half hour does not disappoint as we go along for the ride with whirling visuals, snappy graphics, comic book art and every visual trick in the book. 

But as impressive as the production design is, and the ADHD editing, and Butler’s hip-gyrating sending fans into emotional meltdown, there are times this feels like Elvis the Video Game. Can you get Elvis from point A to Z in his biopic while Col Tom Parker offers clues? 

Unlike my Xbox controller, Luhrmann’s batteries never run low. The whole thing bounces from one historic set piece to the next, from Elvis mixing with music legends like BB King to his iconic ‘68 Comeback TV Special when Parker was apparently obsessed with turning it into a twee Christmas spectacular and had no idea Presley went against just about every suggestion to craft his own rebellious slice of TV gold.

Naturally there’s the building of the Presley empire, the romance with Priscilla, and the heartbreaking birth of daughter Lisa Marie, who died recently aged 54. 

But with so much of the drama taking place in Vegas, which looks like a CG recreation of the Nevada sin bin, that whole third act almost screams for something other than just neon lights, and hotel rooms. 

The film was shot in Australia, and is notable for Hanks being one of the first celebrity Covid cases a few years ago. Thankfully he made a full recovery, but the movie didn’t so much flatline as feel like one of those machines that go ping rigged up to the large Hadron Collider. And while those immortal tracks should have been the greatest asset, even they are not safe from awful interpretations. 

I’m not surprised it’s attracted Bafta and Oscar noms for Best Film, but it always amazes me when a movie can get such a nod without a Best Screenplay mention. Probably because the writing in this case is far less important than the visuals or the editing. 

I’m guessing the underlying manifesto was: a little less conversation a little more action please.

I’ve always liked Elvis – the music, the look, the humour and the gigs, but while there’s only so much you can cram into 2 hours and 39 minutes, the film would have been so much more affecting with half of the visual flourishes, Hanks with no prosthetic assistance, and just a hint of an accent. Like Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element, some actors just wreck a movie, and in this case it’s a case of thanks, but no Hanks would have been so much better. 

Sorry Tom. 

So, worth a look, and not without some stunning touches, but might be best to keep your expectations low and don’t believe the hype. 

Direction 7

Script 6

Editing 8

Production Design 8

Cast 7

Rewatchability 6

Film review First Blood (1982)

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Richard Crenna, Brian Dennehy

Certificate 15

By Roger Crow

In theory, all John J Rambo needs at the start of classic action thriller First Blood is a big hug. That’s it. If some kind soul had opened their arms and brought the poor guy in for a minute of back-patting, all of the ensuing chaos could have been avoided. And there’s even a grieving widow at the start of the movie who could have made some of that pain go away. She’s about the only noticeable woman in Ted Kotcheff’s movie, an adaptation of the David Morrell 1972 page-turner which apparently features some notable diversions between page and screen. The most notable being the death of its hero at the end.

On your bike: Rambo’s audition for Kick Start was a success

But on second thoughts, would a good hug have erased all of those flashbacks triggered by the sight of a cut-throat razor in a police station? Possibly not. He definitely needs a good cry, that’s for sure. All that pent-up emotion. The poor guy is grieving for his lost mate, who we discover at the start of the film is the last of his team. We’re not quite sure what team until later in the movie, and by then it turns out Rambo (as we all know now) is a one-man army.

Back in 1982, First Blood, like Die Hard a few years later, was a template for countless action thrillers that followed. The rules are simple: one guy stripped of most things that could help him against enemy odds, whether it’s vengeful cops or Euro thieves with guns. Oh, and it helps if both guys are called John.

Sylvester Stallone has always been a better thesp than many give him credit for, and in the first few mins we’re treated to some of that pretty good acting, even if Vietnam veteran Rambo looks like he’s just stepped out of an LA hair salon. (Perfect hair in movies was a recurring problem in other eighties movies, including Return of the Jedi, and Lethal Weapon 2).

Anyway, John’s peaceful wander through a Washington town (the British Columbia backdrops are stunning) does not go down well with local sheriff Will Teasle (the excellent Brian Dennehy). He’s not happy with Rambo’s look, and literally drives him out of town. That could have been that, but Rambo wants some food, and decides to pop back into town, much to the chagrin of Teasle.

Pop goes the Teasle: Sly Stallone and Brian Dennehy in First Blood. Rocky (mountain) in the background.

Before long, Rambo has been arrested for vagrancy, his huge knife is understandably taken off him, and he’s being hosed down so he can look nice for his court appearance. As you may have gathered, most of the police do not come off well in this movie. Only a fresh-faced David Caruso, years before NYPD Blue and CSI Miami, comes across as being empathetic. (The masculinity in First Blood is so toxic, it’s a wonder the cast weren’t wearing Hazmat suits).

Which brings us to that dry shave with a cutthroat razor. That’s the trigger which forces Rambo into action as he’s reminded of being tortured by enemy forces. Before long, cops are being defenestrated with a pleasing stock sound of breaking glass; the sort Nick Lowe would approve of. And after grabbing his huge knife, Rambo, in his vest, is off, out of the station, onto the streets, and relieving an innocent biker of his ride. He’s smart Rambo, but not smart enough to grab a coat before he leads pursuing cops out of town and into the mountains. Either that or he prefers to make his own clothes with his mighty knife and an old tarpaulin (which must have been soaking/freezing/mouldy) and a bit of string.

Before long, all the local cops and weekend troops are trying to find the poor guy, and naturally they fail at every turn, until he takes refuge in a mine.

Wisely there’s some light humour to alleviate the tension as weekend warriors argue about who should tackle Rambo. They’re keen on doing their part, but are basically North America’s answer to Dad’s Army. By this point, despite being threatened, Will Teasle is obsessed with finding the man who dared bother his town or refuse a shave, and will stop at nothing to see him brought to justice or killed. Rambo, meanwhile, has emerged from his mine, jumped aboard a military truck, and in scenes reminiscent of Raiders of the Lost Ark, he gets rid of the driver and grunts a lot, possibly like Clarkson at an Amazon Prime code of conduct meeting.

Richard Crenna’s Trautman. More trailer worthy sound bites than you can shake an AK47 at.

The third act is basically John shooting up the town with a massive gun, and Will Teasle quaking like a man who, all too late, has realised the error of his ways. Thankfully throughout most of the second and third acts, his old trainer Trautman (Richard Crenna who replaced Kirk Douglas) is on hand to guide the authorities with what they’re dealing with. Some of the most glorious dialogue in any action movie, so arch it borders on spoof.

Among the best lines is the dialogue between Dennehy and Crenna. Example:

Teasle: Are you telling me that 200 of our men against your boy is a no-win situation for us?

Trautman: You send that many, don’t forget one thing.

Teasle: What?

Trautman: A good supply of body bags.

Crenna probably has more terrific lines than anyone in the movie, because he’s the exposition Stallone’s hero needs. Like Mad Max, less really is more, because when Rambo does let rip with a monologue of misery, it’s a mess. Heartfelt maybe, but sadly laughable and incoherent.

At the heart of the movie is Jerry Goldsmith’s terrific score. Suitably militaristic, grandiose and epic.

First Blood is a post-‘Nam Western, and the bad guys are US forces who shunned their own troops, which no doubt resonated with many aggrieved souls who returned home after a pointless conflict.

The stunts are great, and that wince-inducing make-up when Rambo sews up his bleeding arm is not easily forgotten. Unlike the sequels, when Rambo turned into an invincible superhero, First Blood is still the best of the bunch. Yes, that ending is a bit of an anti climax, but at a lean 90-plus minutes, it’s also one of those cinematic delights that never outstays its welcome, unlike the troubled hero.

Cast 8

Stunts 9

Direction 8

Editing 9

Score 8

Rewatchability 9

Film review Renegades (2022)

Starring Nick Moran, Ian Ogilvy, Lee Majors

Directed by Daniel Zirilli

By Roger Crow

“We’re not exactly The Wild Geese,” remarks one of the key protagonists in this British action thriller, which wears its influences on its blood-soaked sleeve. Acknowledgment of that 1978 classic is admirable, but you’ll possibly also notice that Renegades characters Moore, Burton and Harris hammer that point home. (No Kruger alas, which may have been too on the nose). 

We open with veteran soldier Burton (the excellent Nick Moran) trying to get intel from a villainous hostage before an air strike. Setting its stall out early, the violence might put some off, but stick with it. 

Cut to present-day London, and riddled with PTSD, Burton is sleeping rough. 

Thank heavens for veteran US soldier Carver (Lee Majors), who is keen to get the troubled ex troop back into some sort of normal life. 

However, when Carver is murdered (which comes as a shock to absolutely nobody), Burton and the ex-army Renegades band together to protect his daughter Judy (Patsy Kensit), and exact revenge on those responsible… a vicious international drug gang, led by the fearsome Goram (Louis Mandylor). 

In the interests of transparency, I did spend a day on set, and filmed a scene with Majors. I even get a credit (Bar Patron 1 – #bucket list uptick), but I’m not in the movie, so that makes giving an honest opinion a lot easier. 

First up, the casting is excellent. I’ve long been a fan of Lock, Stock’s Nick Moran, and great to see him as part of a terrific ensemble. Ian Ogilvy is smoothness personified as Peck, though swearing is not big or clever ‘Sir’ Ian (it’s only a matter of time); Octogenarian Billy Murray (more energy than an 18 year old) has a ball as the one-eyed crossbow-wielding pensioner Woody, as does Paul Barber as Harris, who adds that Scouse wit we associate with Only Fools and Horses. But I’d forgotten he was in the daddy of British gangster flicks, The Long Good Friday. And while Renegades is obviously not in the same league as that movie, few films are, it gets a lot right. 

Okay, the scene ‘between’ Ogilvy and Danny Trejo (clearly not in the same place) would have been better as a Zoom call, and Michael Pare’s world-weary Stateside associate Donovan needed to inject a lot more energy into his scene; he literally phones it in. But Renegades ticks over, and director Daniel Zirilli (who grants himself a cameo at the end) ensures there’s rarely a dull moment; the 90-plus minute run time is ideal for a nuts-and-bolts revenge thriller like this. 

Jeanine Nerissa Sothcott (co-producer and genuinely fabulous person) and Stephanie Beacham lend able support as screen plod trying to crack the case, while no doubt adding valuable exposition to those struggling to keep up. (It’s as easy as ABC, so no worries on that count). 

A shame there’s a huge lack of tension. The heroes never really feel like they’re in danger of dying, or are maybe so immune to fear that they just laugh off all of the bullets flying in their direction. 

I could also have done without that eponymous title theme, which may be one of the most annoying since Universal Soldier’s ‘Body Count’, but as a Friday night diversion with a few beers and a take out, it will definitely take your mind off the rubbish weather and even worse news. 

Okay, it won’t win any Baftas for Best Film, nor was it meant to. What it was meant to do, aside from make cash, obviously, was appeal to movie fans the world over who love fun action movies and great actors, including the iconic Lee Majors; he steals every minute of his all-too-brief appearance. 

Comparisons with the Red and The Expendables movies are inevitable, and I’ve a lot of time for films which feature seasoned protagonists. So while Renegades might not be the masterpiece I’d hoped for over the last 18 months of waiting, I’m guessing a potential sequel with those winning leads will deliver a more impressive escape from the real world. Or failing that, Jonathan Sothcott’s Shogun Films should  stick a camera in front of Moran, Ogilvy, Majors, Barber and Murray in a pub for 90 minutes reflecting on their amazing careers and I’ll happily watch that instead. 

So, a good start, but let’s have Judy Carver kidnapped for the sequel; Lee Majors’ twin brother seeking vengeance, and a bigger role for Bar Patron 1. Showed a lot of promise that bloke. 

Cast 8

Script 7

Casting 8.5

Direction 7

Score 3

Editing 6

* Renegades is released on digital from January 30, and on DVD from February 6.

Review-Crossroads: The Noele Gordon Collection

By Roger Crow

Mention the name Crossroads to most TV addicts and the same old cliches are dispensed: shaky sets, bad acting, rubbish extras.

Obviously the brilliant Acorn Antiques did a lot to bury the ITV soap, phase one of which which ran from 1964 to 1988, and kept millions entertained most week nights. But here’s the thing: it’s one of TV’s most under-appreciated gems, boasting some of the best actors of their era.

Noele Gordon’s Meg, usually on the phone trying to keep her family business afloat or politely telling staff how to do their jobs, is a soap queen in the Annie Walker mould. Oh, and there’s the added bonus of her vocal patterns, adding an ‘h’ in front of (h)when and (h)why; a similar speech style would later drive a gag in Family Guy.

Daughter Jill (Jane Rossington) loved a good time, but her 1970s fling with Anthony Mortimer (played by Jeremy ‘Star Wars’ Sinden) wrecked her marriage, and one ep found her sleeping with Eric, an obnoxious repairman who looked like old flame Stan. 

Roger Tonge’s dry-witted deadpan, disabled regular Sandy Richardson (Jill’s brother) is one of TV’s unsung cult heroes. His no-nonsense barbs stopped any character from getting too up themselves. 

Let’s not forget Ronald Allen as David Hunter, the suave, sophisticated big cheese at the eponymous Midlands motel. Boy did he rock a cable neck sweater and posh coat like some alpha catalogue model. 

Added to the mix was Sue Lloyd as Barbara, the alluring regular whose affair with Hunter infused spice and sex appeal. (Ronald and Sue became an item IRL, as the kids say, so little wonder they had such great screen chemistry).

Noele Gordon: the original soap queen in Crossroads.

Janet Hargreaves’ scenery-chewing-performance as obsessed Rosemary Hunter has to be seen to be believed. A gloriously hammy performance, and yet utterly compelling. Rosemary’s Play Misty For Me-style psychosis over David and Barbara affair is TV gold.

Then there was the brilliant Susan Hanson’s down-to-Earth regular Diane, forever synonymous with Benny (Paul Henry), the lovably simple local with a heart of gold who worshipped the ground Miss Diane walked on. 

And kudos to Kathy Staff as Doris Luke, the humble polar opposite of Nora Batty, which turned her into a sitcom icon; a moral compass who always pointed true north. If you’ve got a problem, Doris will solve it, usually with a few kind words and a lot of elbow grease. 

In 1979/1980 when some of the classic discs are set, there’s the Brownlow family. Dad Arthur (Peter Hill, whose character was possibly a template for EastEnders’ Arthur Fowler) is a hard working type whose idea of fun is to play a waltz at a party, while the younger generation think it’s perfectly fine to stitch him up with a game of Blind Man’s Buff. The sight of Arthur realising everyone has scarpered, followed by the post-credits scene of him sat alone with a stick of wilting celery in the foreground is so achingly sad it’s a wonder a Samaritans hotline wasn’t included.

Gordon’s alive!

Daughter Glenda Brownlow (Lynette McMorrough), the long-suffering Motel employee, had to contend with light-fingered, work-shy cousin Iris (Angela Webb – who may as well have said “I’m a good girl I am!”, like something from My Fair Lady). Glenda also deserved more credit than she received. Her romance with cocky ladies’ man Kevin (David Moran – complete with Kevin Keegan perm) is so fast when seen on a binge watch, you almost get the urge to ring one of those huge phones at the Motel and tell her to take things a bit slower. 

The Meg

Angus (The Great Escape) Lennie’s irascible chef Shughie McFee deserves full marks for effort, propping up scenes in the kitchen as though everyone’s lives depended on it.

Even when a mystery saboteur is revealed, Lennie delivers the half-baked script with the gravitas it (barely) deserves. 

Would it work today? Absolutely. While Corrie lost its way years ago with a cast of morally bankrupt characters and yawnsome gangsters, it’s refreshing to see something a little more wholesome. 

And yes, even in the late 1970s, a Cinderella-style plot involving Alison (Carina Wyeth, who died in 2022), a young woman desperate to flee from her God-fearing uncle (Ivor Salter with a big, bushy beard you could lose a child in), was cliched. But it’s still compelling stuff, for all of its fist-shaking, fire and brimstone stereotypes. 

Part of the key to Crossroads’ success was each show was only about 20 minutes, so it never outstayed its welcome. That and the fact the bulk of the actors are better than many of the cast in today’s leading serials. 

A rags to Richardson story. Crossroads in its youth.

That opening ATV fanfare heralded something special: appointment TV in an age when three TV channels meant that every show on any channel had a certain special quality.

Crossroads is obviously an acquired taste, but for anyone hooked on the show decades ago, this ‘new’ offering is a welcome trip down memory lane. 

Okay, it’s far from perfect. The odd fluffed line or boom shadow on a wall obviously added to the myth it was an am dram show, but as stripped down drama goes, it works a treat. 

Like Classic Coronation Street on ITV3, these eps are a reminder of a time when soaps were simpler yet more believable than today’s thinly veiled attempts to tell gangster stories in a genre built more for sitcom than shotguns. 

There’s little wonder Russell T Davies has crafted an ITVX drama about the end of Noele’s tenure in Crossroads. Far from the TV car crash many might recall, ATV’s soap is a ‘lost’ TV classic which deserves far more love than it receives.

Release Date: 30 January, 2023