Food Review – Recipe Box Review: Hard Rock BBQ Bacon Cheeseburgers

By @RogerCrow

After one of those weeks of too much work and not enough time, Friday at 5pm is the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s long been that time when you reward yourself for surviving another few days at the coal face. Friday night dinner. Such a special time. And this week is extra special: a home delivery box full of goodies… from Hard Rock. 

For years I’ve been Hard Rocking all over the world. A repeat offender in Orlando, and countless other glorious venues, from Seville, New York, Houston, Miami, Sydney. And each time it was an experience. 

It’s not just the fact I can spend ages pottering around the various restaurants soaking up the rare rock memorabilia, framed, signed, on the wall, while super efficient waiters and waitresses tend to our every culinary whim. 

However, on a daily basis, there’s a problem: I think the nearest HR restaurant is Manchester, 75 miles away, and as much as I adore that chain, it’s a bit of a trek if you want a good burger. Okay, not just good, but terrific. 

So when I heard they were doing deliveries, I jumped at the chance to try one out. 

Not that I’m obsessed or anything, but I was tracking the box and counting the stops until the delivery driver dropped off those mouthwatering goodies. But surely this box of pre-packaged ingredients would lose a little something when prepared in the world’s oldest and most broken oven?

Well, first things first. Calmly, I slice through the packaging, well aware of that Christmas morning vibe. “Oh Santa, you shouldn’t have, but I’m so glad you did. I don’t care if it is May.”

Two impressive 7oz burgers, skin-on fries, seasoning, tomatoes, lettuce… (drooling), bacon and cheese. 

Cooking the contents of the delivery box version is a lot like building your favourite model kit. And if you’re a hardcore burger fan, this has an element of that. Yes, you can use the instructions, though I follow my instincts and carefully remove every element with the reverence they deserve. 

With tin foil on the oven tray, I pop the fries in first; go and watch a bit of Pointless; return to the kitchen; realise I hadn’t turned the oven on, and take a deep breath. So that’s step one: don’t get distracted by game shows first. This is one of the most important burgers you’ll ever craft, and it takes priority over everything. 

Fries in, and oven on, I eventually pop the burger in. Just the one as Mrs C is vegetarian so she makes do with a Quorn fillet. 

While those beauties are cooking away, I retire for a while to answer more questions on TV. Obviously at the half-way mark, flip the burger, agitate the fries so they’re cooked all over, and enjoy a tipple. 

Now for the brioche bun. A few minutes before the cooked ingredients are ready, you can do that heated frying pan method where the bun cooks evenly, or you can take the easier option and pop them in the toaster. Using every bit of attention you can muster, watch those buns like a hawk; as you know, they will go from toasty to burnt in a nanosecond. 

As a side note, watch the closing scenes of Jon Favreau’s sublime comedy drama Chef, which shows you how to make the perfect grilled sandwich. That gives you an idea of how important it is to apply a forensic level of care to a well done (but not ’well done’) bun or toasty. 

Obviously you’ll know when your burger is ready depending on how you like your meat. Mine just looks done, and that’s good enough for me. It’s not mooing, nor is it pre-charcoal. 

Then it’s just a case of construction. That perfectly toasted bun can be buttered, but I don’t want to detract from the overall taste. 

The beautiful slices of square cheddar cheese are so important. You want the world’s best burger? You need the best cheese on Earth, rather than that cheap luminous stuff that is categorised as ’cheese’ in fast food chains, but looks and tastes like industrial waste from a plastic factory. 

The beautifully packaged bacon is also essential. Streaky, visually stunning like it was crafted by artisan butchers, I feel guilty cooking it. But like the rest of the relevant ingredients, it’s prepped with absolute reverence until beautifully crispy. 

So, burger, cheese, lettuce, bacon and that phenomenal Hard Rock BBQ sauce ensure you’re half way to culinary paradise (by the dashboard light). With the skin-on fries also cooked to perfection and a generous sprinkling of salt and pepper (push it real good) seasoning applied, it’s time to eat (to the beat). 

If you want that complete Hard Rock experience, pop a DVD or Blu-Ray of your favourite band on while responsibly chugging a beer and savouring every mouthful. 

That first bite reminds me of seeing BB King at Hard Rock in Orlando a few years ago. A lot of preparation and build up, but when he played his beloved guitar Lucille, it was one of THOSE moments where years of skill and expertise wash over you. You marvel at the taste; the crisp lettuce, delicious cheese, yummy fries, and that burger. It strikes every chord on the tastebud register. I’d have liked pickles as an extra, and a veggie option for Mrs C would have been a bonus, but after a Manic Monday (and the rest of the working week was just a frantic), this is that gold medal for finishing a mid-May marathon. 

I could have made a rubbish gag about this being an Oasis burger (you got a roll with it), but this is worth far more than that. It’s the culinary equivalent of Bohemian Rhapsody: epic, ambitious, classic, bombastic and utterly wonderful.  The key ingredient is made up from 100% UK & Irish beef, and sourced from family owned farms. It’s a quite splendid product. 

Even after I’ve finish the burger, I sit there for a while, my nerve endings singing with happiness; waves of post-burger happiness washing over me. It was like watching U2 at Roundhay Park in 1997, and yes, this also has the Edge over most of the competition. 

I might not be able to exit through the gift shop and buy the obligatory tee shirt, but I do know that my own personal ’Hard Rock Howden’ restaurant (number of customers: two) is a huge success. 

There obviously are other similar home delivery burger box companies out there, and I’m sure they’re very good. But I unashamedly love a global chain of restaurants that deliver a great dining experience with top quality food and service. They’re my instant go-to eatery when I’m lucky enough to be in random countries doing the tourist thing. And oh how I miss those days. 

This might be the HR DIY version, but I adored every second of it. And the fact the BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger meal for two is a mere £19.95 (or £39.95 for four) means I can afford to live like I’m on holiday every Friday night should I want to. Thanks Hard Rock for recharging some very exhausted batteries. Outstanding.

An Interview with Line of Duty’s Perry Fitzpatrick

By @Roger Crow

It was a question that millions of TV fans faced in early May, 2021: “What do we do now Line of Duty has finished?” Well, there’s always the option of watching the entire series again as Jed Mercurio’s addictive crime saga is released for home entertainment. For the purposes of ‘the DIR’, I’m Roger Crow and I’m speaking to Perry Fitzpatrick, aka DS Chris Lomax.

Perry, congratulations on the most exciting British TV drama of the decade.

Well thank you very much.

What’s your week been like since the final episode of series six had millions of us hooked? Have you been stopped in the street by fans?

Well not too much. I don’t tend to dress like Lomax, so I tend to slip by unnoticed. If anything I get a lot of people smiling at me.

Do you get a lot of people asking if Lomax is related to ‘Dot’ Cottan?

I was getting that actually, yeah. I’m friends with Craig Parkinson, and we were talking about that, that we look similar and sound similar.

What was it like filming under Covid restrictions?

To begin with it was really difficult actually. It was so different to anything we’d been used to with all the different procedures brought in. But we still managed to have fun and created what we felt was a realistic world by having less supporting actors.

Were you a fan from the start or did you binge it a few series in?

Oh I’ve been a fan of it for years. I’m good friends with Vicky McClure, who plays Kate Fleming, so I tuned in about 10 years ago to watch her in that, and I’ve been a fan of it since then really.

You’re no stranger to big hits, having been in the Downton Abbey film, but have you experienced anything like the success of Line of Duty?

Yeah, Downton was really big, and obviously This is England as well, which also has a dedicated fan base, but nothing like this; breaking record viewing figures and stuff, so yeah. Amazing to be a part of it.

I’ve never done a job before where everyone knows someone who is obsessed with the show. I’ve got friends and family who are, and they were asking me for months: “Who’s H?” A lot of the fan theories were really great; really interesting. I don’t do social media, so I’ve stayed away from a lot of it.

Was the finale a shock or did you know the outcome from the start?

No, not at all. It was kept from us. We had a read through in 2020, which was the first few eps, then we had a big break due to Covid; we went back in August 2021, and were kind of fed the scripts as we were shooting, so we didn’t get the finale until right before we were going to shoot it.

It was a controversial ending. What was your reaction when you found out who H was?

I really enjoyed it. I think a lot of people have revisited the last ep and maybe feel differently about it now. It was clever and far more realistic and unsettling to have the idea of systematic corruption.

Would you be up for a Line of Duty film?

Yeah, absolutely. If it keeps going then I’ll be very happy to return, but there’s no news yet.

I was a big fan of Jessica Knappett’s sitcom Drifters.

Oh thanks. A great bunch of girls.

Is comedy harder than drama?

I find it quite easy; I really enjoy it. Nottingham Workshop was a drama school set up by Carlton Studios, and they essentially taught you improvisation. We improvised comedy on a weekly basis, so it’s something I’m pretty used to, so I like to be able to do both. If I get a call I can do comedy and drama.

Have you had a favourite job over the years?

I’ve enjoyed them all to be honest… the differences between them, and I like to have different challenges. Flip in This is England is a job I’ll always treasure. And this, to play a detective in the biggest show on telly!

What have you got lined up next?

I’ve got a couple of projects lined up for the summer, which I can’t talk about. Reading a few scripts, and I do a bit of gardening in my spare time.

Thanks for your time.

Thank you.

“Interview concluded”.

: Line of Duty Series 6 is out now on digital. Series 6 DVD & Blu-ray + Series 1 – 6 Collection DVD Box set released on 31 May.

Film review- Skyfall (2012)

Starring Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Javier Bardem

Directed by Sam Mendes

Certificate 12A

By @RogerCrow

James Bond’s 50th anniversary movie had to be something special. The fact it was released in the year of the London Olympics meant we also saw Daniel Craig’s Bond co-star with the actual Queen in one of those jaw-dropping short films which made the event so special. 

And the feature itself did not disappoint either. Far from it. 

Not that I’m Craig’s biggest fan; he’s a great actor, as he’s proved many times in films you may never have seen, such as The Jacket, but as Bond? Not quite my cuppa. However, Skyfall, for me at least, was the film where everything gelled. 

We open, unconventionally, without the gun barrel. Just a Turkish corridor, and a shadowy figure who comes into focus. Our man is on a mission, as usual, and there’s an agent down, bleeding to death, while a crucial bit of tech is missing. 

Like the best Bond movies, what follows is a fluid series of events, all interconnected. There’s a real sense of momentum as Bond leaves the building, and his ride arrives. What started on foot, now becomes a chase on four wheels as 007 and his glamorous ally Eve (Naomie Harris) chase after the villain in a Land Rover. Ola Rapace (former husband of Noomi) is Patrice, the bad guy who fires a weapon that couldn’t look more like male genitalia if it tried. 

Then we’re off again, and Bond is on a motorbike, chasing across rooftops and breaking things like an Istanbul in a China shop. 

Eventually James arrives on a train, still chasing the bad guy while Eve drives alongside, dictating the action to M in London. 

Following some staggering product placement for a car brand, Bond trashes the cargo with heavy machinery; climbs aboard the collapsing train, and winds up fighting the villain on top of the vehicle while Eve takes aim from a distance. 

“Take the bloody shot!” demands M. But instead of aiming for ankles, she goes for a head shot, and naturally hits Bond, while the bad guy gets away. 

As pre-credits go, it’s up there with the best of them. Then we have THAT theme. 

Adele was such a natural fit, I wasn’t the only one who hoped she would get the gig a year before the movie was released. And what a theme. Haunting, enigmatic and absolutely right for the movie. Little wonder it won an Oscar. 

The fact the stunning opening titles hint at everything that follows matters little. They’re beautifully crafted by Daniel Kleinman. 

Bond obviously survived the shot, and is now washed up in more ways than one. When he’s not bedding a beautiful woman, he’s moping around on a beach and sharing drinks with a scorpion in a game worthy of Marion’s bar in Raiders of the Lost Ark. 

However, when MI6’s HQ is blown up (a terrific action scene, not least because of M’s annoyance at being stopped by police), 007 returns to London, and in particular M’s house (actually John Barry’s old residence). 

Poor M is forced to retire thanks to Bond losing the gizmo which exposes MI6 agents. Shadowy fellow employee Mallory (Ralph Fiennes) is the axe man, and he’s clearly out for blood. 

M’s arc in Skyfall is one of its greatest strengths, and also gives dear Dame Judi Dench some of her best scenes of the franchise. 

Craig’s Bond seems to be on his last legs a mere three films into his tenure, which is strange, but the fact he fails his tests makes him more human than the super spy we have come to expect. 

In one of the finest scenes, Bond is analysed and asked what ’Skyfall’ means to him. The fed up mood changes, and it’s clear a nerve has been touched. A riddle, wrapped in an enigma, the way all good spy thrillers should be. 

Enter Q, and a scene which ranks as a favourite in the entire saga. Ben Whishaw’s IT Crowd-worthy gadget man is a terrific take on an old legend. The scene with him and Bond staring at Turner’s The Fighting Temeraire at the National Gallery is a masterclass in understatement. 

007 does a little detective work, and after a stunning fight in a high rise (Roger Deakins’ cinematography is an all-time high for the saga), Bond gets just enough info (via a casino chip) to send him to Macau. 

It’s testament to the art directors that Craig didn’t go to China to film his scenes, but a few well placed props and clever locations in London ensure the illusion is perfectly credible. 

After seducing Patrice’s associates, the stunning Severine (Berenice Marlohe) in a casino (one of THE best scenes between Bond and a sacrificial pawn in any 007 movie), he fights off bad guys and winds up en route to big bad Silva’s base. 

The moral complexity of James seducing such a broken woman (a former sex slave) makes you realise 007 has no scruples when it comes to getting what he wants. What was once Bond just bedding beautiful women as part of the usual checklist of 007 movie tropes enters far darker territory in Skyfall. The fact Ms Marlohe gives such a phenomenal performance as the sacrificial pawn should not be overlooked. 

By this point there hasn’t been a single bad moment in the movie, which is rare for any film. Everything is on point, and when Silva turns up an hour into the movie, a new energy arrives. Yes, Sam Mendes owes a lot to Chris Nolan’s The Dark Knight in places, but this is still magnetic stuff, especially Silva’s one-take arrival speech about rats and a barrel. 

Javier Bardem was of course phenomenal in No Country For Old Men, and was no doubt asked to do that “menacing thing” again. He does not disappoint, especially when he gets a little too close to Bond for comfort. This was the first time on film at least 007’s sexuality was questioned, which adds another layer to the drama. 

With Severine sadly dispatched, Silva is captured and taken to London, where M reflects on the consequences of her past. The ’bad pupil’ who went unchecked has now returned to ’the head mistress’ office’, and it’s clear he has a plan. 

Once Silva inevitably escapes via some clever computer-based jiggery pokery, then almost drops a Tube train on Bond’s head, M goes to a hearing with fearsome Clair Dowar MP (the much missed Helen McCrory). Dowar attempts to destroy M like an evil barrister terrorising a pensioner. 

Tanner (utterly useless, despite a great turn from Rory Kinnear) is told to get M to safety, but he hesitates; Silva bursts in with his army of goons and all hell breaks loose. Another fantastic set piece, with Bond, Mallory and Eve sharing the action. 

As Bond whisks M to safety, he takes her to his garage where his faithful Aston Martin is waiting. 

From that point on, and their drive to Scotland, the master stroke is Bond and M relying mostly on tech from 50 years earlier. No gadgets, or hi-tech stuff to get them out of scrapes. Just 1960s-era ingenuity, while Silva and his bad guys ignore all that nostalgia stuff and use a helicopter gunship. 

The moment Bond stretches his legs in Scotland and M fills in some backstory about his early days is superb. Visually stunning, beautifully written and acted. It’s the calm before the storm of what follows, and like the earlier National Gallery scene, it’s those quiet moments which really make Skyfall work. 

The finale at Bond’s eponymous childhood home may be dismissed by some as “Home Alone for adults”, but it’s far better than that. 

For the DVD launch in 2013, I interviewed writers Neal Purvis and Robert Wade on a train that recreated Bond’s trek from London to Scotland. I told them my theory about why the finale works, which they hadn’t considered. 

’Viewers can’t relate to someone trying to take over the world, but they can relate to someone breaking into their house.’ Analyse that, Sigmund Freud. 

As Bond, M and old gamekeeper Kincade (the ever wondrous and much missed Albert Finney) fortify the Skyfall residence with home-made traps, what follows is stripped down action at its best. Straw Dogs did it years earlier, but a domestic siege in a 007 movie is very rare. 

The bulk of James’s adventures might be a playboy’s view of the world, but Skyfall gives us a Bond who puts away his toys and grows up. The greatest challenge is not arch villains, but dealing with ageing, and loss. 

By 2012, many who grew up with 007 in the sixties and seventies; taken to the cinema by their parents and guardians, were coping with the inevitability of becoming orphans themselves, like their hero. 

Little wonder Skyfall touches a chord with viewers of a certain age. The simple act of a middle-aged son trying to protect his surrogate pensioner parents from enemy forces. No, not unscrupulous window-fitters who do half a job, or dodgy salesmen, but Blighty’s greatest action hero, or ’White Knight’ defending his ’Queen’ from that final check mate. 

Though the final few minutes are admittedly annoying, as a wounded M and Kincade flee through the Scottish darkness, but stupidly use a torch to pinpoint their location to Silva, M’s demise in a church is Bond at its best. And yes, up there with the finale of OHMSS. 

By the epilogue, all becomes clear. Eve is the new Moneypenny, Mallory is the new M, and the MI6 office of old is also back. (How I missed that padded door). 

The odd nagging question remains, such as: did Bond bed Moneypenny after a close shave? We may never know. 

I do know Skyfall is a terrific adventure; an often beautifully acted and scripted classic, with stunning cinematography and excellent set pieces. 

Bond purists might not like it, but each to their own. As the first 007 movie to make more than a billion dollars at the box office, it didn’t just appeal to many fans, but reminded lapsed followers how good Bond could be, especially when tackling themes relevant to everyone of a certain age. 

Skyfall is where we start the Sam Mendes 007s, and Spectre is where we end. 

’Poles apart’ from the joy of this masterpiece…

Cast 9

Script 8

Score 7

Direction 8.5

Theme 9

Food Review – Wellocks Luxury Brunch

By @RogerCrow

Brunch. Just the name is synonymous with leisurely mid-mornings in cafes, reading the papers or people-watching as the world goes by.
Of course things have been rather different over the past year or more, but while we might not be able to interact as much as we’d like to, thankfully we can still live like royalty in the comfort of our own homes. And on a rain-lashed Saturday morning, Wellocks Luxury Brunch turns out to be culinary nirvana.
You get a lot for your money, and a key selling point is six of the most beautifully packaged eggs you’ll ever see.
The delightfully named Cacklebean eggs are from Cackleberry Farm, deep in the Cotswolds; they must be serious contenders for The National Egg & Poultry Awards. I have to take a few snaps for the ’gram, because the packaging alone is a work of art.

The yolks are little orbs of sunshine, and the taste is delicious, especially when I craft one of my random recipes.
The Isle of Wight cherry vine tomatoes also look terrific, but as I have a thing about eating tomatoes in their original form (don’t ask), I blitz them in my beloved blender with a shallot and olive oil, and make a load of salsa, which is phenomenal.
Every element is spot on, from the picture-perfect button mushrooms, and splendid bread (Jacksons of Yorkshire champion bloomer), to the delicious tube of Estate Dairy butter, which I use for frying the mushrooms, eggs and salsa.

The best scrambled eggs ever? Well, that’s debatable, but they come pretty close. And there’s also a spicy Bloody Mary mix with sticks of perfect celery. To make that cafe/restaurant effect complete, there’s also a couple of little jars of brown sauce.
I set to work oven-cooking R&J Yorkshire’s Finest traditional thick pork sausages. As bangers go, they’re worthy of any posh restaurant, as is the R&J Yorkshire’s Finest prime back bacon.
Okay, I’m drooling as I write this, so that’s a pretty good indication of how good the contents are.
Obviously as we emerge from the on/off lockdown, brunch in actual cafes and restaurants will be a thing again, and like Barbra Streisand, we can go back to the way we were. But if ’the C word’ has taught us anything it’s that we can make the most of our kitchens, and craft dishes as wondrous as anything in the high street, as long as we have the best quality ingredients. And Wellocks definitely deliver the right stuff.

Rounded off with a can of good old Heinz baked beans, and a generous helping of Taylors roast & ground rich Italian coffee, I’m happier than Homer Simpson at an all-you-can-eat five star buffet.
It’s a terrific idea; the produce is superb, and on a rainy morning when the thought of traipsing up the shops is too horrendous to consider, this is perfect for my temporary hermetic lifestyle.
Okay, I might have to hit the treadmill a little harder, but it’s worth every extra step.
If there’s a better home delivery brunch service out there, I’ll be amazed.
Ends

Film review-Undergods (2021)

Directed by Chino Moya
Starring Kate Dickie, Ned Dennehy, Geza Rohrig, Burn Gorman and Tanya Reynolds
By @RogerCrow

Films, like jokes, should have a start, a middle and an end. Viewers, like attendees at a stand-up gig, are happy to go along for the ride, as long as there’s a pay-off.
But what if there is no punchline? What if there’s is no middle or end? Just a series of set-ups? Well, that’s what you get with Undergods, a series of short stories bookended by a couple of guys driving a van through a dystopian, concrete wasteland.
A minute of this is tiring on the eyes, so there’s some relief when we cut to the tale of a couple in an apartment block who ’welcome’ a stranger into their home. Before long he’s outstayed his welcome; the wife and the stranger get on a little too well together, and the resulting tension leads to a pay off where some might be wondering if that’s it? (Inside Number Nine had covered similar ground far more effectively a few years ago).

There’s also a tale in which a dad tells his daughter a bedtime story, which is phenomenally grim. She says she thinks it’s boring, but he tells her (aka the audience) to stick with it. We should have listened to the girl. It makes little sense and paves the way for a final tale which mirrors the first story.
Again, the story goes nowhere slowly, and the closing shot is reminiscent of the opener.

Undergods feels like a film made by committee, or a movie that was given a grant because there was a surplus of cash from some government body. The fact it has more than a dozen producers should have set alarm bells ringing. A case of ’too many cooks’.
It’s well put together, and the cast, including the ever reliable Burn Gorman and Kate Dickie, do their best with the material. Relative newcomer Tanya Reynolds is also very good, even if she is wasted in support. Exec producers Luke and Jake Scott, sons of Ridley Scott, have been in the film making business for years, but this is not their finest work.

The score is reminiscent of Vangelis’s atmospheric cues on Blade Runner, and I’m guessing there are a few nods to that movie with a story about a guy who falls for a robot girl (like Deckard fell for Rachel) and a man who sells eyes (Replicant-maker Chew). There’s also a feeling of Terry Gilliam’s masterpiece Brazil; the pastel-coloured scenes feel straight out of that Orwellian nightmare; a random moment with a roller skater is pointless and a tad voyeuristic.
It might also be coincidence that some characters are called Sam (Brazil), Maria (Fritz Lang’s iconic Metropolis) and Rachel (Blade Runner), or it might be me reading too much into it; the lack of narrative pay-off means you have to read something into it, as the writer seems to have grown bored half way through each story.
If it hadn’t been put together so well, then it would be easier to write off, but there are flashes of interest here. Alas, it’s like doing a jigsaw which takes 90 minutes, and then you discover several pieces are missing, so whatever the ’finished’ picture should have been makes no sense.

Writer/director Chino Moya is a name to watch in the future, though like any rookie feature screenwriter/director who honed their skills on commercials and pop videos, he forgot the most important rule of coherent film-making is having a sense of closure. And yes, several bookended stories still need to work on their own terms and within the body of the movie.
If he can craft a film with a start, a middle and an end, then all the better. Sadly this is one of the most frustrating, depressing and annoying films you’ll see all year. Less a case of Undergods and more Oh My God!

Cast 8
Script 7
Stories 4
Score 7
Cinematography 8
Rewatchability 2

Undergods will be in UK Cinemas & on Digital Download from 17th May