Film review- The Greatest Showman

The Greatest Showman

Starring Hugh Jackman, Michelle Williams, Zac Efron

Certificate PG

Director Michael Gracey

I’m rather late to Hugh Jackman’s latest big screen offering. It’s a party that launched at Christmas to lukewarm reviews from some critics, and yet proved that many cinema-goers don’t care a jot about what they think. Despite one high profile reviewer claiming there were “no memorable songs”, I wonder if he saw the same film.

In mid-March I finally take the plunge, more curious as to why this musical biopic of legendary showman PT Barnum has kept punters coming back for more.

Yes, it’s slick, formulaic and some of the effects are a little cheesy, but that doesn’t stop me from becoming immersed in the story.

A few years earlier I’d sat through the much talked about stage show Barnum, and despite being captivated by Brian Conley’s tightrope walk, I was pretty bored with the rest of it. Aside from There is a Sucker Born Ev’ry Minute, and Come Follow the Band, I’d struggle to think of another memorable tune in the whole show.

No such problems with The Greatest Showman. From that opening track, The Greatest Show, to Come Alive, the much played This Is Me and delightful Rewrite the Stars, I’m bowled over.

Hugh Jackman reminds me why he is one of the most talented thespians working in movies today. Yes, he honed his craft in West End hits such as Oklahoma!, but it’s still hard to believe this is the same man who wowed me in last year’s Logan.

Zac Efron is also on great form, which is reassuring considering his annoying turn in the Baywatch movie. However, when Rebecca Ferguson turns up, I’m like a kid on Christmas morning.

I have become a little obsessed with the woman who stole Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation from under Tom Cruise’s nose, and kept me gripped throughout sci-fi chiller Life.

I don’t expect much from her in this, and although she mimes to the phenomenal tune Never Enough, my gob is well and truly smacked; it’s hard to see the join between her acting and Loren Allred’s vocals.

When Hugh and company round things off with From Now On, I’m ready to see it all again.

The screenplay by Jenny Bicks and Bill Condon ensures the whole thing ticks over with the speed of a locomotive at top speed, while Seamus McGarvey’s photography is terrific.

Considering this is his first feature, visual effects veteran Michael Gracey does a good job in the director’s chair.

While he could have done with more cash than his $84million budget allowed, I doubt he’ll have too much trouble getting a green light for his next picture. TGS has grossed almost $400million in 87 days, and the fact singalong version has kept packing audiences in mean Jackman’s position as one of the most lucrative actors in the business is secure.

Obviously it won’t be for all tastes, and with the DVD and Blu-ray due for release in May, some might want to wait. I’d recommend seeing it on a huge screen before that day as it’s the very thing cinema was invented for: a communal, feelgood experience which makes you forget your troubles for 105 minutes.

The greatest show indeed.

8/10

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Film Review – Red Sparrow

Red Sparrow

Starring Jennifer Lawrence, Joel Edgerton, Matthias Schoenaerts

Directed by Francis Lawrence

Certificate 15

What happens when a Russian ballet dancer with a sick mother suffers a career-ending injury?

She becomes a spy of course, thanks to her uncle, Ivan, who works in Russian intelligence.

That’s the career path chosen by Dominika Egorova, the ever watchable Jennifer Lawrence. For the first hour, her path from pirouettes to spy school and then out in the field is mostly intriguing.

Her ordeals suffered at spy school are pretty degrading as she learns the art of seduction under the tutelage of Charlotte Rampling’s emotionless expert.

She’s tasked with seducing American spy Nate Nash (Joel Edgerton); he’s tasked with gleaning information from her.

Following that promising first hour, I sit through another 100 minutes of torture porn; Jennifer and Joel facing eye-watering pain, and internecine shenanigans.

Tchaikovsky’s The Sleeping Beauty booms over the speakers at one point. Aptly I fight to stay awake through the second act, and long before the finale, I’ve already considered walking out. Some cinema goers do; there are two of us left by the time the lights come up.

Red Sparrow is overly complicated, and wants to have the class of great John Le Carre, but it’s no Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. It also feels like Atomic Blonde with all the fun removed.

Jennifer Lawrence is as mesmerising as ever, and retains her dignity even when the story demands her character has none.

It’s a pretty miserable experience with the score ramped up to deafening levels in the hope it adds class to a joyless thriller.

A split second before Ciaran Hinds appears on screen I guess he’ll turn up at some point because he plays good Russians in better films like The Sum of All Fears. And there he is, which is scant consolation as the film drags on.

Jeremy Irons shows up as another Russian VIP, and I’m also taken out of the moment with a bit part from Holby City’s Hugh Quarshie.

I’m no espionage expert, but I do know there is a gaping hole in the premise of sending a famous ballerina undercover as a spy. Any intelligence service worth their salt will run facial recognition software over a suspect’s photo on the off-chance she’s in their database.

Red Sparrow is an excruciating experience for the most part. No matter how slick or sexy the trailer is, it’s not reason enough to waste 140 minutes of your life.

Barge poles required.

4/10

Film review – Annihilation (2018)

Film review

Annihilation (2018)

Certificate 15

Starring Natalie Portman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Oscar Isaac

Directed by Alex Garland

There was a time when waiting for a movie was a thing. The anticipation of a big budget slick offering was like the smell of a great meal before it arrives at your table.

Then the game changed. Out of thin air the cinematic feast dropped on your table, but despite nice packaging, the flavour was occasionally off.

Netflix has been backing some high profile, disappointing offerings lately, but finally they have a winner.

So after the woeful Will Smith vehicle Bright, humdrum Duncan Jones sci-fi oddity Mute and lacklustre The Cloverfield Paradox, we have another high gloss confection from the streaming service.

And it’s extraordinary.

I’ve been a fan of film maker Alex Garland since he started making waves with The Beach. His under-rated, flawed sci-fi epic Sunshine was the most unforgettable cinematic experience of 2007, and Dredd undid most of the damage caused by Sly Stallone’s 1995 misfire comic book conversion, Judge Dredd.

All of which preamble brings us to his latest offering, the trippy Natalie Portman vehicle Annihilation.

As I’m hard wired to lap up any sci-fi saga, good or bad, the thought of a new offering from the maker of Ex-Machina was a tantalising prospect.

What starts out as a dreamy tale of loss and mourning, soon takes a left-hand turn.

Natalie Portman is the ex-soldier turned biologist whose missing partner (Oscar Isaac) turns up out of the blue.

However, he’s sick, so one thing leads to another and she winds up on an all-female mission into the Shimmer, an energy field that’s expanding in Florida.

In order to save her fella, the only person to emerge from the anomaly, she embarks on a possible suicide mission.

What unfolds is reminiscent of Apocalypse Now, (the film) Southern Comfort, Arrival, The Fountain, and unsurprisingly Sunshine.

There’s also a mix of Avatar and Jurassic Park, with elements of Space: 1999. Oh, and bits of Contact too. And yet while it might remind you of dozens of other movies and shows, Annihilation is also like nothing you’ve seen.

The third act is one of the trippiest things I’ve witnessed since the incredible Under the Skin. And while some might reach for the off button during a scene with a swimming pool and a knife, stick with it.

Garland might tread into the queasy territory of Event Horizon with a recorded slice of past terror, but this is as much Alice in Wonderland as it is a horror movie.

The final shot is a little inevitable, but the journey is extraordinary. Portman and fellow Thor veteran Tessa Thompson may never have shared screentime in that Marvel universe, but in this otherworldly one they shine without standing in the shadow of the hammer-wielding hero.

In a decade’s time, folks will still mention Annihilation in the same breath as classic intellectual sci-fi offerings like Solaris and 2001.

The fact the closing credits are eclipsed by the unfurling graphics is testament to how daring Garland’s project is. He doesn’t even tell you who’s in it.

Do yourself a favour. Turn the lights and your phone off, wait ’til around 10pm, press play and prepare to have your mind blown.

8/10

Film review – The Shape of Water

The Shape of Water

Starring Sally Hawkins, Doug Jones, Octavia Spencer

Directed by Guillermo Del Toro

Certificate 15

Baltimore, 1962, and a mute cleaner at a high-security government laboratory embarks on a relationship like no other in Guillermo Del Toro’s BAFTA-winning masterpiece The Shape of Water.

Sally Hawkins, giving one of the best performances of her career, is Elisa Esposito, the mesmerising heroine who lives above a cinema, is friends with a neighbouring artist (Richard Jenkins), and lives a lonely existence. While he has designs on the cafe worker nearby, she’s an achingly solitary figure who cleans up at the lab a bus ride away.

This is a world of classic Bakelite gadgets and Cadillacs, the sort of nostalgic design you’d expect from a visual maestro like Del Toro. (He’s a film maker who could shoot a movie about the phone book and I’d happily hand over my cash).

Following the fascinating misfire that was Crimson Peak, he’s hit the bull’s eye with this heart-rending tale which feels like a mash-up of The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Amelie, Delicatessen, Frankenstein, Hellboy and ET. And yet despite its influences, it’s also like nothing else I’ve ever seen.

Witnessed after the mega bucks Black Panther, where I didn’t believe in any of the characters, each of Del Toro’s protagonists here feels like they live and breathe, whether it’s air or water.

The casting is spot on, probably because the role was written for Hawkins, and Michael Shannon personifies the tough government stooge so well I can’t imagine anyone else in the role.

Alexandre Desplat’s score is a perfect accompaniment to the unfolding drama that washes over me, and though I try and remind myself it’s only a movie, the fate of the amphibian man at the heart of the drama is as compelling as ET’s in Steven Spielberg’s 1982 classic.

I’m on edge throughout as I just want a happy ending. While i’ll obviously not spoil a thing, I’ll happily see this again to soak up the wondrous imagery, nail-biting action and beautiful romance.

Having been hooked on Guillermo’s work since he started making waves in world cinema in the late 1990s, it’s a relief to say he’s finally made his masterpiece.

Don’t wait for the home release. Rush out and see it at a decent art house cinema, and not a certain multiplex where they turn the lights on the split second the credits roll.

Easily one of the best films of this or any other year.

Gracias Guillermo.

9/10

Movie review – Black Panther

Movie review

Black Panther

Directed by Ryan Coogler

Starring Chadwick Boseman, Michael B Jordan, Martin Freeman

Certificate 12A

Unlike Marvel favourites Spider-Man, Captain America, Hulk, Doctor Strange and Thor, Black Panther was never given a dry run as a TV movie.

Launched in the 1960s, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby’s creation barely got a look in as an animated hero either. Which seems odd as he has such a rich back story and interesting characters.

However, now Marvel has a decade’s worth of blockbusters under their belt, it’s clear they’re willing to take a few ’risks’, such as an African American superhero.

Of course this should have all happened decades ago, and at one point it looked like it would with Wesley Snipes, but he opted for a lesser Marvel character – Blade.

No, Black Panther’s road to the big screen has been a long, rocky one.

And at the helm is director Ryan Coogler, whose critical success with Rocky sequel Creed proved he could breathe life into one of Marvel’s most ambitious movies.

As a fan of the comics, thanks to black and white British reprints from the early eighties, I was keen to see if the movie worked, but the trailer left me cold. Generic shots involving flying vehicles and expensive futuristic cityscapes all felt rather derivative.

Then the reviews arrived, and critics claimed it was an epic like no other.

So I settle in for what is admittedly a visually stunning adventure, but while millions of dollars were obviously spent on the effects and stunning costumes, about a tenner was spent on the script. It’s a yawnsome array of humdrum one-liners, clumsy exposition and forgettable monologues.

There are some standout lines, most notably from excellent villain Killmonger during the obligatory showdown. It’s one of those movies where the villains are far more interesting than the heroes. Michael B Jordan is more rounded than Chadwick Boseman’s bland, noble hero T’Challa. He sounds like a young Nelson Mandela throughout, but the banter with his sister Shuri falls flat.

On the subject of which, Shuri, the gadgets mistress – a Q to Boseman’s Bond if you like – is one of the most memorable characters in the movie. Letitia Wright, last seen in the excellent Black Mirror, is a fun, engaging breath of fresh air, and along with a scenery-chewing Andy Serkis and ever reliable Martin Freeman, helps lift the film to another level.

It’s not a bad movie, though some ropey CG rhinos, confusing action scenes with the gravity-defying hero, and an improbable laboratory which looks like a tourist attraction at Epcot does jar a little. And the ritual fight scenes feel like a musical waiting for a rousing song that never comes.

And don’t get me started on those masks and suits that appear out of thin air. The Batmobile’s instant CG shields bugged me in 1992’s Batman Returns, and this looks even more improbable.

Yes it’s a fantasy but the best comic book conversions, like Chris Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy, have a believable gravitas. This just feels like anything can be summoned from thin air.

Solid support comes from Get Out’s BAFTA-winning Daniel Kaluuya, while Angela Bassett, Lupita Nyong’o, Forest Whitaker and Walking Dead’s Danai Gurira help give the saga some heft.

Given the mammoth box office returns after week one, safe to say a sequel is in the works, but before that, our hero and a few sidekicks return for the enormous Avengers: Infinity War.

I hope Coogler and Boseman have a better script for Black Panther 2. So much time and effort was taken on the look of hidden kingdom Wakanda, that it would be nice if the dialogue matched the occasionally stunning vision.

7/10

Film review – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Film review – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Directed by Martin McDonagh

Starring Frances McDormand, Woody Harrelson, Sam Rockwell

Mildred Hayes, like Fargo’s Marge Gunderson, is a role many actresses would give their eye teeth for. And when Frances McDormand picks up an Oscar or BAFTA (or both) for the role, it will hopefully attract a new wave of interest in one of the best films of the past 12 months.

Mildred has suffered an unimaginable personal loss, and when she arrives at the eponymous billboards in the opening minutes, she hatches an idea that sets in motion events which drag the residents of Ebbing into a maelstrom of revenge and repercussions.

Key to the developments are Sheriff Bill Willoughby (a terrific Woody Harrelson) and officer Jason Dixon (a powerhouse Sam Rockwell).

As with Fargo there are assorted peripheral characters who add light and shade to the proceedings. Peter Dinklage gives a typically wonderful turn as Mildred’s suitor, while there is solid support from John Hawes, Abbie Cornish, Kerry Condon and Clarke Peters.

Writer/director Martin McDonagh, who memorably gave us the wonderful In Bruges, has created such an immersive drama, bursting with juicy dialogue and outstanding scenes, that it almost begs for another movie examining the lives of different characters in Ebbing.

And as with Fargo, Carter Burwell’s score is a treat.

Kudos to Film4 for providing some of the $12m budget. This is one of their best co-productions in some time, and when they take home Oscar gold this spring, let’s hope it will pave the way for more films this good.

9/10

Film review  Jumanji – Welcome to the Jungle

Film review

Jumanji – Welcome to the Jungle

Starring Dwayne Johnson, Karen Gillan, Jack Black

Certificate 12A

I can’t say I was desperate to see a sequel to Jumanji, the 1990s Robin Williams blockbuster in which kids get trapped inside a board game and play to get back to the real world.

And the concept of Dwayne Johnson and Jack Black as two of the four protagonists fighting for their life also left me cold.

Don’t get me wrong. I like them both, but I’ve never rushed out to see the new Dwayne or Jack movie. They’re just not magnetic enough for me.

However, Karen Gillan has that winning mix of sex appeal and quirkiness to win me over, so on a bleak January morning I settle in.

I’m not expecting much, so as the movie opens with references to the original, and so much product placement I feel queasy, I fear the worst.

On the surface this may be a Jumanji reboot, but once I get past the feeling I’m watching a mash-up of It and Stranger Things (thanks to a creepy house, yellow rain coat and lovably nerdy students), I realise the heart of the piece is The Breakfast Club transplanted to the jungle. (The nerdy guy, the jock, the princess and the geek girl reflecting on their shortcomings).

And I’m happy to say it’s one of the most enjoyable family adventures I’ve seen in years.

The plot: while four fellow students are given detention and have to de-staple a bunch of magazines for recycling, they happen across a 1990s video game.

And wouldn’t you know it? They are soon transplanted to the jungle. The twist being the geek is now the muscle-bound charismatic hero. The athletic jock is now the diminutive, weapons-carrying sidekick. The selfie-obsessed narcissist prom queen is a chubby middle aged man, and the shy geek is a Lara Croft-style kick-ass heroine.

After landing in their new home (those Hawaii backdrops are glorious on the big screen), our fish-out-of-water heroes are soon introduced to Rhys Darby’s avatar character, a genial sort who fills in their back story and mission before leaving them to it.

Cue rocket-launching bikers, killer hippos and no end of human and geographical hurdles to overcome.

As our heroes overcome their personal differences and adjust to their own new special abilities, what unfolds is often a joy.

The highlight is Black teaching Gillan how to flirt as she attempts to sidetrack intentionally generic bad guy avatars.

Director Jake Kasdan does a great job of juggling the epic set pieces, while the cast interact so well, I’m not surprised it’s become one of the biggest blockbusters of the past 12 months.

If you get the chance, see it on the biggest screen possible and enjoy as Johnson, Gillan, Hart and Black take you on a magical adventure which is even quite touching in places.

Those glorious vistas will lose a lot on the small screen, as I’ll find out when I watch it again, and again in a few months’ time. And no, not just because (a recognisable) Karen Gillan has finally landed the blockbuster she deserves.

Given the huge box office returns, a sequel is only a matter of years rather than decades.

I have a feeling Mr Williams would have been proud.

8/10

Film preview – Love or Money: An Unromantic Comedy 

Film preview

Love or Money: An Unromantic Comedy

Starring Robert Kazinsky, Samantha Barks, Tony Way

Directed by Mark Murphy

Comedies are like soufflés. You might have the best butter, sugar and eggs, but there’s something in the cooking that leads to the confection either being light and fluffy or collapsed like a deflated balloon. Not enough sugar or sweetness and it obviously ends up bitter. Too much and it becomes hard to swallow. Too many eggs and half can end up on the cast’s face.

Thankfully writer/director Mark Murphy, who made Howden and Bubwith-shot chiller Awaiting, has scored a bull’s eye with his new movie The Revenger: An Unromantic Comedy.

It’s another feather in the cap of local film outfit Goldfinch Entertainment (formerly GSP Studios), Yorkshire-based film producer Alan Latham and Eric Woollard-White.

The Revenger is due for release later in 2018, but I was given a sneak peek at the tale of one man, his scheming bride-to-be and the characters who orbit around them.

Now I won’t give too much away, but the skill of the movie is pushing certain characters to breaking point, and just when you start to lose sympathy with a key protagonist, the plot changes course.

“If it bends it’s funny, if it breaks it’s not,” is a good comedic rule of thumb that always stands up, and The Revenger bends just enough to ensure the comedic snapback is perfect. (No, that’s not a funny baseball cap).

It helps that the casting is wonderful. Robert Kazinsky (Pacific Rim/Warcraft) is spot on as Mark, the lovelorn hero, while Tony Way (Edge of Tomorrow) is excellent as his best mate, Tim. Some actors have funny bones, and Way is one of them. His face has the comedic appeal of a clown car’s airbag. He’s in danger of stealing the show if it weren’t for Samantha Barks’s Connie, the axle on which part of the vehicle rests. Her mix of sex appeal and comic timing is irresistible, especially during a scene reminiscent of Carry On Camping. But despite her character being capable of horrible things, one tear-streaked scene in a car can also break your heart. If there was any doubt after Les Miserables that a major talent had arrived, this should prove the naysayers wrong.

The film also has a dash of Wedding Crashers, and while some will be reminded of Four Weddings and a Funeral, not least because of the presence of Anna ’Duckface’ Chancellor at her outrageous best, it also feels like a comedy from centuries ago. Amorous in-laws and a sidekick will leave many howling while others watch through latticed fingers.

Solid support comes from Ivan Kaye (Vikings), Rachel Hurd-Wood (Peter Pan) and Edward Speleers (Downton Abbey).

In short, The Revenger is a witty, snappy, stylish comedy which deserves to do well here and overseas.

There are now two major British weddings to watch in 2018, and as we wait for the royal one, here’s a four-word review of a fun, fictional diversion that’s crucial given the title.

I laughed. A lot.

8/10

Bright – Movie Review

Bright

Directed by David Ayer

Starring Will Smith, Joel Edgerton, Noomi Rapace

So, after months of plugging, Netflix unveil their highest profile streaming movie to date.

Bright has the production values of a major motion picture, the heavyweight star appeal of Will Smith, and a high concept premise: an alternate LA, filled with orcs, elves and fairies.

Will Smith is Ward, the foul-mouthed cop teamed with Joel Edgerton’s Jakoby, the long suffering Orc crime buster who spends most of the movie being sworn at, beaten up or worse.

Their chalk and cheese partnership forms the backbone of the story involving a magic wand, a dark lord and an endangered elf.

Which is all very Harry Potter meets Lord of the Rings with Ayer’s previous movie End of Watch thrown in and a heroine reminiscent of Leeloo from The Fifth Element.

It’s brutal, bloody stuff which for 90 per cent of its running time is hard to stomach. The seemingly endless macho posturing, face offs with gang members and swearing is so abrasive, i’m worn down by the sheer nastiness of the whole production.

Smith is usually good value for money, but even his charm can’t save this Christmas turkey.

Edgerton is okay as his sidekick and Noomi Rapace adds malevolence as the big bad.

So, 30 years after Alien Nation posited an LA filled with ETs, and mismatched cops tackling bad guys,this unofficial remake makes that bad film look a lot better.

It’s toxic stuff alleviated only by some great photography and flashes of excitement. The whole time I’m watching it I want it to get better, and be less brutal, but it feels like crawling through a two-hour long tunnel of offal.

The only bright bit comes at the end.

The music is yawnsome, the script mostly dreadful with the odd decent one liner from Max Landis, and on the whole a horrible experience.

No matter how much you may love the Fresh Prince, or the good ideas, avoid at all costs.

2/10

Theatre review – Jack and the Beanstalk

Theatre review

Jack and the Beanstalk

York Theatre Royal

Rather aptly for a panto set in York, Berwick Kaler’s latest production is a shambles.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s a beautiful mess. The set is a glorious tribute to the brilliant Mark Walters, who designed both it and the dazzling costumes, and the opening number, Not Just For Kids Anymore (which made me laugh out loud) is tight, well choreographed and really gels. I just wish the rest of the show had as much coherence.

That’s the problem when a production is so front-loaded. Trying to top the intro is tricky.

Now to put this in context, Jack and the Beanstalk is far better than Kaler’s offering from 12 months ago. The whole thing clicks more effectively, and I’m guessing the key reason is Martin Barrass, Kaler’s long-term sidekick who generates so much love from generations who’ve been following these shows for years, it’s hard not to get swept along.

It’s been well documented that a 2016 accident left him in a right state, while Kaler’s own heart surgery understandably took the wind out of his own sails.

Now both of them are back on some sort of form, their panto has its mojo back.

And it’s great to see Suzy Cooper back on stage doing her ditzy blonde singing and dancing routine as Jill. Her comic timing is superb, and I get the feeling in the 1970s, when mainstream sketch shows on TV were a thing, she’d have been a regular.

But oh that script. Kaler’s a force of nature who conjures up these shows with waves of heart and spirit, but structurally it’s a mess.

Okay, I know it’s panto and the story doesn’t really stand up to much scrutiny, but at least it should have a start a middle and an end.

And the references are just so out of date. It feels like a show from 1983 with references to Return of the Jedi, or at a push, The Addams Family from a decade later, when the Christina Ricci films were popular. Okay, the stage version of TAF is doing the rounds, but it doesn’t feel mainstream enough to be worth a musical number. (’Oh yes it does!’ you may cry.)

There’s the obligatory Trump and Brexit comments for the parents, but none of it feels like a panto for today.

As a kid I used to watch Little and Large’s TV show. One of the reasons I liked it was Eddie making references to stuff happening at the time. It felt relevant and ahead of the dated other comics.

And don’t get me started at that half-way film, where our heroes flee from ’Super Troopers’, dropping in at various York spots for a series of woeful sponsor-inspired sketches. One recurring TV favourite’s performance as a giant may give little ones nightmares, and not for his Olivier-worthy acting either.

None of what I think will matter a jot of course to the countless families who have been enjoying this nonsense for years. And fair play to the team for keeping the art alive.

My first experience of any theatre was panto, and it’s something I’ve never forgotten. I didn’t care about the songs or the gags. Whether it had a start, middle or end, or the story structure. I just loved that feeling of seeing something special happening in front of my eyes with ’Dana off the telly’.

And for the kids who went nuts at Kaler’s latest smorgasbord of jokes, sketches, songs and slapstick, in 45 years they’ll still have a warm, fuzzy memory of those strange characters breathing life into a well worn, rather odd story.

Will I be back next year? Of course.

Christmas has now officially started because 12 months after the culture shock of seeing my first Berwick Kaler panto, Cinderella, I’m now becoming part of that annual tradition where, for a few hours, anything goes.

David Leonard brilliantly milks his villainous part as Dr McCarb like the cow at the heart of the story, and Suzy Cooper steals my heart once more with her expert comedy schtick. Her ’It’s behind you’ routine with Leonard is a sheer joy.

The fact she made an appearance as Princess Leia (sigh) may have helped alleviate my confusion. (That and the fact I got to meet Look North legend Clare Frisby at half time).

JATB, as no-one is calling it, might be all over the place, but it’s a glorious splash of warm-hearted colour on an icy December night, and I’ve no doubt it’ll be a massive success until it bows out on February 3, 2018.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a lie down. My mind has been well and truly blown.

Oh yes it has.